How Attachment Shapes Our Lives: From Childhood Roots to Adults Relationships
As a therapist, one theme that consistently comes up in the work with my clients, is attachment. It is the foundation of how we related to others, connect with others, and understand ourselves and others. Whether someone is navigating relationships struggles, self-worth challenges, or struggling with emotional regulation, we often find ourselves tracing the thread back to early childhood experiences and the dynamics of their family of origin.
Attachment isn’t just a theory for academics and fellow psychology students; it is a living, breathing part of our everyday lives. Attachment influences how we ask for help (or are afraid to do so), handle conflict (which can be terrifying for people), trust others, or even how we talk to ourselves in the moments of vulnerability. When we begin to understand our attachment patterns, we open the door to profound healing and more fulfilling relationships.
What Is Attachment?
Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between a child and their primary caregiver. This bond sets the foundation for how a child experiences safety, security, and comfort. In a healthy attachment, a caregiver is attuned, responsive, and consistently available, allowing the child to explore the world while feeling secure.
A primary caregiver is the person (or persons) who takes on the most consistent and nurturing role in a child’s life, especially in the earliest stages of development. Essentially, who is around most often. This is often a parent, but can also be a grandparent, foster parent, or any adult who provides sustained emotional and physical care. The quality of this relationship significantly influences a child’s emotional and psychological development. Primary caregivers help regulate the child’s emotions, respond to their needs, and provide the emotional safety that allows the child to form a stable sense of self and secure attachment to others.
There are four primary attachment styles:
Secure: Rooted in consistent caregiving, leading to trust, emotional regulation, and confidence in relationships.
Anxious: Often develops when caregiving is inconsistent, leading to a fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance.
Avoidant: May arise from emotionally unavailable or dismissive caregiving, leading to a discomfort with closeness and a preference for self-reliance.
Disorganized: Often linked to trauma or chaos in early caregiving, leading to confusion and unpredictability in relationships.
Why Early Childhood Matters
Our early experiences shape how we view ourselves and the world. A child who consistently feels seen, soothed, and supported grows up believing they are worthy of love and that others can be trusted. On the other hand, a child who learns that their needs are too much, or who feels emotionally neglected, may internalize messages of unworthiness or feel they must suppress their needs to maintain connection.
These patterns don’t just disappear. They follow us into adulthood, showing up in our partnerships, friendships, workplaces, and even parenting. That fear of being too much? That tendency to shut down when you're upset? That discomfort with asking for help? All of these may be echoes of early attachment experiences.
Rewriting the Narrative
The good news is that attachment patterns are not set in stone. With insight, compassion, and support, we can create new experiences of safety and connection. Therapy can be a powerful space to explore these patterns, to grieve what you didn’t receive, to understand your emotional responses, and to learn how to build secure, trusting relationships.
This healing is often slow and layered. It means noticing when you're responding from a place of fear instead of presence. It means practicing new ways of relating to others and to yourself. And it means honoring your story while allowing yourself to grow beyond it.
In Your Daily Life
If you're curious about your attachment patterns, consider reflecting on these questions:
How do I respond when I feel vulnerable or rejected?
What did I learn about emotions and needs growing up?
Do I trust others to support me? Do I trust myself?
What do I believe I must do to be loved or accepted?
Attachment is not about blaming parents or living in the past, it's about understanding how our early relationships shaped us, so we can move forward with more clarity, compassion, and intention.
When we heal our attachment wounds, we begin to relate to the world not through fear, but through connection. And that changes everything.
Resources to Support Your Healing
Curious to explore more on attachment, emotional healing, or nervous system regulation? Here are some of my favorite books and tools that I recommend to clients and readers alike. These resources can deepen your understanding and give you practical ways to grow your sense of emotional safety and connection.
Recommended Books on Attachment and Healing
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
→ A highly readable introduction to attachment styles in romantic relationships. Great for clients and readers alike.The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships
by Diane Poole Heller
→ A therapist-friendly deep dive into secure attachment and healing from past wounds.Parenting from the Inside Out
by Daniel J. Siegel & Mary Hartzell
→ Excellent for parents who want to understand how their own attachment history shapes their parenting.Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
by Dr. Sue Johnson
→ Focuses on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment-based work with couples.The Body Keeps the Score
by Bessel van der Kolk
→ For readers interested in the body-mind connection, trauma, and how early experiences shape us neurologically and emotionally.It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle
by Mark Wolynn
→ Explores generational trauma and attachment through the lens of family systems and epigenetics.