How Attachment Shapes Our Lives: From Childhood Roots to Adults Relationships
As a therapist, one theme that consistently comes up in the work with my clients, is attachment. It is the foundation of how we related to others, connect with others, and understand ourselves and others. Whether someone is navigating relationships struggles, self-worth challenges, or struggling with emotional regulation, we often find ourselves tracing the thread back to early childhood experiences and the dynamics of their family of origin.
Attachment isn’t just a theory for academics and fellow psychology students; it is a living, breathing part of our everyday lives. Attachment influences how we ask for help (or are afraid to do so), handle conflict (which can be terrifying for people), trust others, or even how we talk to ourselves in the moments of vulnerability. When we begin to understand our attachment patterns, we open the door to profound healing and more fulfilling relationships.
What Is Attachment?
Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between a child and their primary caregiver. This bond sets the foundation for how a child experiences safety, security, and comfort. In a healthy attachment, a caregiver is attuned, responsive, and consistently available, allowing the child to explore the world while feeling secure.
A primary caregiver is the person (or persons) who takes on the most consistent and nurturing role in a child’s life, especially in the earliest stages of development. Essentially, who is around most often. This is often a parent, but can also be a grandparent, foster parent, or any adult who provides sustained emotional and physical care. The quality of this relationship significantly influences a child’s emotional and psychological development. Primary caregivers help regulate the child’s emotions, respond to their needs, and provide the emotional safety that allows the child to form a stable sense of self and secure attachment to others.
There are four primary attachment styles:
Secure: Rooted in consistent caregiving, leading to trust, emotional regulation, and confidence in relationships.
Anxious: Often develops when caregiving is inconsistent, leading to a fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance.
Avoidant: May arise from emotionally unavailable or dismissive caregiving, leading to a discomfort with closeness and a preference for self-reliance.
Disorganized: Often linked to trauma or chaos in early caregiving, leading to confusion and unpredictability in relationships.
Why Early Childhood Matters
Our early experiences shape how we view ourselves and the world. A child who consistently feels seen, soothed, and supported grows up believing they are worthy of love and that others can be trusted. On the other hand, a child who learns that their needs are too much, or who feels emotionally neglected, may internalize messages of unworthiness or feel they must suppress their needs to maintain connection.
These patterns don’t just disappear. They follow us into adulthood, showing up in our partnerships, friendships, workplaces, and even parenting. That fear of being too much? That tendency to shut down when you're upset? That discomfort with asking for help? All of these may be echoes of early attachment experiences.
Rewriting the Narrative
The good news is that attachment patterns are not set in stone. With insight, compassion, and support, we can create new experiences of safety and connection. Therapy can be a powerful space to explore these patterns, to grieve what you didn’t receive, to understand your emotional responses, and to learn how to build secure, trusting relationships.
This healing is often slow and layered. It means noticing when you're responding from a place of fear instead of presence. It means practicing new ways of relating to others and to yourself. And it means honoring your story while allowing yourself to grow beyond it.
In Your Daily Life
If you're curious about your attachment patterns, consider reflecting on these questions:
How do I respond when I feel vulnerable or rejected?
What did I learn about emotions and needs growing up?
Do I trust others to support me? Do I trust myself?
What do I believe I must do to be loved or accepted?
Attachment is not about blaming parents or living in the past, it's about understanding how our early relationships shaped us, so we can move forward with more clarity, compassion, and intention.
When we heal our attachment wounds, we begin to relate to the world not through fear, but through connection. And that changes everything.
Resources to Support Your Healing
Curious to explore more on attachment, emotional healing, or nervous system regulation? Here are some of my favorite books and tools that I recommend to clients and readers alike. These resources can deepen your understanding and give you practical ways to grow your sense of emotional safety and connection.
Recommended Books on Attachment and Healing
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
→ A highly readable introduction to attachment styles in romantic relationships. Great for clients and readers alike.The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships
by Diane Poole Heller
→ A therapist-friendly deep dive into secure attachment and healing from past wounds.Parenting from the Inside Out
by Daniel J. Siegel & Mary Hartzell
→ Excellent for parents who want to understand how their own attachment history shapes their parenting.Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
by Dr. Sue Johnson
→ Focuses on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment-based work with couples.The Body Keeps the Score
by Bessel van der Kolk
→ For readers interested in the body-mind connection, trauma, and how early experiences shape us neurologically and emotionally.It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle
by Mark Wolynn
→ Explores generational trauma and attachment through the lens of family systems and epigenetics.
How to Heal Your Relationship With Your Body: 6 Tools I Recommend as a Therapist
By Mallory Bonarrigo, LPC, Art Therapist
What is Body Image, Really?
Body image isn’t just about how your body looks — it’s about how you feel about your body. It’s the internal relationship you hold with yourself: the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that shape how you move through the world in your skin.
A negative body image might show up as:
Constant body-checking or comparison
Feeling disconnected, ashamed, or critical of your appearance
Believing your worth is tied to how you look or what you weigh
Avoiding certain clothes, mirrors, or experiences
The truth is: you weren’t born hating your body. That came from somewhere. And the beautiful news is — with compassion and support — it can be unlearned.
So How Do You Start Healing?
Healing body image isn’t about flipping a switch to “love” yourself. It’s about:
Challenging old beliefs that no longer serve you
Getting curious about how shame or criticism took root
Reclaiming your body as something you live in, not something you have to fix
Learning to care for your body from a place of respect, not punishment
Building trust in your body again — one small step at a time
In therapy, I support this work through talk, somatic practices, and art. But you don’t have to wait until your next session to start healing. These tools can support your journey right from home.
6 Tools to Support Body Image Healing
These are some of my most-loved resources — a blend of creative, sensory, and reflective tools to nurture your healing at your own pace.
1. The Body Acceptance & Image Healing Workbook — Created by Me
This is the workbook I designed for people like you — those wanting to reconnect with their body, let go of shame, and build a more compassionate inner dialogue.
Inside, you’ll find:
Journal prompts that dig beneath the surface
Creative art-based exercises (no artistic skill needed!)
Body awareness tools
Education on where body image struggles come from — and how to shift them
Gentle space to reflect, reconnect, and release
It’s the same framework I use in therapy, now available in workbook form.
2. Insight Timer App (Free Guided Meditations)
Meditation helps shift how we relate to the body — from judgment to presence. Insight Timer has free meditations for body image, self-compassion, and nervous system support.
Try Insight Timer
3. Art Journaling Tools
Expressing your feelings visually can bypass self-criticism and access deeper truth. I recommend starting with a Mixed Media Sketchbook and Brush Markers. Use them with the workbook, or on their own.
4. Weighted Blanket for Grounding
Body image distress often shows up in the nervous system as anxiety or disconnection. A weighted blanket can help calm and regulate — especially during rest, journaling, or emotional moments.
Try this weighted blanket
5. Calm Strips (Sensory Support)
For when body thoughts feel overwhelming or spirals begin, Calm Strips are a gentle grounding tool. They’re small, tactile, and discreet — a favorite for sensory soothing.
Explore Calm Strips
6. The Self-Love Workbook
This companion resource helps rewire the way you speak to and about yourself. It’s a popular favorite for those learning to replace body criticism with kindness.
Check it out on Amazon
Final Thoughts: You Are Worthy of Peace in Your Body
Healing body image is possible. Not through perfection or pressure — but through slow, steady compassion. Through curiosity instead of shame. Through showing up for yourself, again and again.
If you’re on this path, I hope these tools help you feel supported. And if you're ready to go deeper, I created my Body Acceptance & Image Healing Workbook with you in mind — a place to reconnect with the self you were always meant to be.
You don’t have to do it alone. And you don’t have to fight your body to feel at home in it.
Some links in this post are affiliate links. I only recommend products I use, trust, or share with therapy clients. If you purchase through one, I may receive a small commission — at no extra cost to you.
How to Support Yourself Through Grief: Tools for Navigating Loss With Compassion
By Mallory Bonarrigo, LPC, Art Therapist
What Is Grief?
Grief is not just sadness. It’s a full-body, full-heart experience that can include heartbreak, confusion, numbness, anger, relief, guilt, and everything in between.
It’s the ache of missing someone or something that mattered deeply. It’s the disorientation that comes when the world keeps spinning — but your world has changed forever.
And it’s not limited to death. Grief can arise from:
The end of a relationship or friendship
A change in identity, health, or ability
Moving, job loss, or a major life transition
Estrangement or unresolved relationships
Collective or traumatic loss
Grief is a normal, human response to loss. And yet so many people feel alone in it.
Why Grief Feels So Hard
Grief isn’t linear. There’s no “right” way to do it. And while society often gives us a brief window to “move on,” real grief takes time, space, and compassion.
You might feel like:
You're going in circles — okay one day, devastated the next
No one really understands the weight you're carrying
Your body is exhausted or tense all the time
You don’t recognize yourself in this version of life
You want to talk about your person or your loss, but worry it’s “too much”
All of that is normal. You're not broken — you're grieving. And support is possible.
Grief Connects Us All
In my years as a therapist, I’ve come to believe this deeply: grief is a thread in every single person I’ve worked with. No matter what someone originally comes to therapy for — anxiety, trauma, relationship struggles, body image — grief is always there, quietly beneath the surface.
The grief of not having the childhood you needed
The grief of losing a version of yourself
The grief of a loved one gone too soon
The grief of time, opportunity, or innocence lost
The grief of living in a world that sometimes feels too painful
No one escapes grief. But that doesn’t mean we’re alone in it. In fact, we are connected through it. We become more human — more whole — not by avoiding grief, but by allowing it to be seen, held, and softened over time.
A Workbook to Help You Navigate Grief
This is why I created the Grief Workbook: Navigating Loss With Compassion — because I’ve seen how deeply people long for guidance, reflection, and healing around grief.
And I wanted to offer something gentle and grounding you could hold in your hands.
Inside, you’ll find:
Compassionate education about what grief really is
Reflective journaling prompts to help you explore your loss
Art therapy–inspired exercises to express what words cannot
Support for emotional, relational, and physical experiences of grief
Permission to grieve in your own way, at your own pace
This workbook is for anyone who is missing something or someone — and wondering how to keep going.
Get the Grief Workbook on Amazon
Books That Normalize the Grief Experience
These compassionate titles help clients feel less alone:
It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine
The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore
Final Thoughts: There Is No Timeline for Grief
If grief has touched your life, you’re not broken — you’re human.
And though we live in a culture that urges us to “move on,” I believe this: you don’t need to move on from your grief to move forward with your life.
Grief may never fully go away, but it does change shape. It softens. It weaves into the fabric of who you are and how you love.
If you’re seeking gentle support along the way, I hope you find space to be with your sorrow — and with your strength.
You are not alone. Not in your grief. Not in your healing.
How I Use Art in Therapy to Support Healing and Self-Discovery
By Mallory Bonarrigo, LPC, Art Therapist
When most people think of therapy, they picture two people talking in a quiet room. And while talk therapy is powerful, sometimes words aren’t enough — or they’re too much. That’s where art comes in.
In my practice, I often integrate art-making into the therapeutic process because it allows my clients to access deeper parts of themselves — parts that may not yet have language, but are asking to be seen and heard.
Why Art?
Art bypasses the logical mind and taps into something deeper: intuition, emotion, memory, and even the body’s wisdom. When someone is feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or disconnected, creating something visual can provide a pathway toward expression, clarity, and healing.
You do not need to be an artist to benefit from art therapy. In fact, most of the people I work with haven’t picked up art materials since childhood — and that’s kind of the point. The process is about expression, not perfection.
When Words Fall Short
For clients navigating trauma, grief, anxiety, or body image challenges, it can be difficult to articulate what they’re feeling. Some things are too painful, others too complex. Art gives those feelings a form.
In our work together, you might:
Create a visual representation of your anxiety or grief
Collage images that reflect how you see your body — and how you want to
Paint what safety, anger, or freedom feels like
Sculpt tension from your shoulders into something tangible
Use color to track emotional states across a week
It’s about making the invisible visible — so we can explore it together with compassion and curiosity.
The Tools We Use
We might use:
Oil pastels to explore emotions through texture and color
Watercolors for free-flowing expression and nervous system regulation
Clay to externalize pain, pressure, or the need to control
Collage and mixed media for identity work, grief processing, or visioning
I keep the materials simple and accessible. There’s no right or wrong way to create in therapy. Sometimes the art is symbolic, sometimes abstract, sometimes deeply personal. What matters is what it evokes and what it helps you access.
What Clients Say
Many of my clients have shared that art in therapy:
Helped them connect with parts of themselves they didn’t know needed attention
Created a safe way to explore trauma without re-telling it
Made therapy feel more engaging and less intimidating
Helped them rediscover joy, creativity, or self-trust
Surprisingly quieted the mental noise — allowing them to feel calmer and more grounded
Was more relaxing than they expected, offering a gentle break from overthinking
A Final Thought
Art in therapy is not about making something beautiful — it’s about making meaning. Whether we’re processing pain, reconnecting with your body, or uncovering old beliefs, the creative process can be a powerful ally in healing.
If you're curious about working together or trying art therapy for the first time, I’d love to walk with you through the process.
No artistic experience required. Just bring your whole self — we’ll work from there.